woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
