i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
