Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
