i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
