Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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