Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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