well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
