I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
