I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
My pussy is not your playground.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
