You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Randomize
