I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
