I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
