I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
