Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
