i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
