I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
