It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
