my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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