just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
