I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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