I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
