If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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