Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
