You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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