Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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