If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
