Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
