Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
