just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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