weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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