Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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