New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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