im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
