why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my being single is dangerous.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
