I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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