if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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