My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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