I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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