My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
