just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
