im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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