in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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