Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
