not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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