New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
