I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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