Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
