I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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