sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
