Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
